Lately I've been feeling a bit regretful, but lucky and loved at the same time. I know second chances are hard to come by, and thirds are even more rare. Recent events have forced me to think about what it really means to be a friend. I know in my past I have seriously wronged the best people in my life, but I'm so amazed with their capacity for forgiveness. How is it that I still have a place in their hearts when I've hurt them so much? How is it that they accept me again so easily? And of course I have to wonder, why?
Often I find myself living in the past. I realized how immature I've been (and I'm still young, with still so much to learn). Vulnerable, impressionable; I thought I knew who I was, but it took other people and some painful experiences together to teach me. I suppose I've accomplished things that are worthy of praise, but somehow I can't see past my mistakes. How is it that I've hurt two separate people, in two separate occasions, in the exact same way? Knowing how wrong I was, why did I do it again?
Friends are delicate things. Loyal and trusting, they put their hearts in your hands, and you become a guardian of their happiness. Betrayal is the only word I can think of to describe what I've done. I abandoned my post not once but twice, for what I thought was worth the sacrifice. It's so clear to me now that I threw away my most cherished treasures for a fraud. I wasn't tricked; I did it willingly. When I realized what I lost more than I gained, it was difficult to swallow my pride, but all I wanted to do was crawl back and seek solace. Were they still the guardians of my happiness? Did they still care?
It's cautious. Should we talk about it, and rip open old scars? Should we pretend like nothing happened, and live the rest of our friendship always on guard? How are you supposed to repair a friendship? Live in guilt forever? How do you go back to the way it was before? Is that even possible, given that so much time has passed, and both of you have changed? Try too hard, and it falls apart again.